Every 20-something year old experiences, at some point or another, the universal struggle in how to do something that, up until this point, has felt like the most natural process in the world: forming friendships and connecting with others. Turns out, the scariest thing we face after graduating university is not, in fact, finding a 9-to-5, but actually talking to people our own age — and worse, the consequences of what happens if we don’t… (am I wasting my 20s? does no one like me? am I spiralling internally?)
Today we’re diving into the most highly requested newsletter subject I’ve ever received: making (& sustaining!) friends in the post-grad world.
My credentials….
This past August, I moved essentially by myself to Rio de Janeiro after graduating university. This isn’t the first (and certainly won’t be the last) time I’ve moved to a new city, country, or continent, but was my first time doing so without the safety net of an academic institution to facilitate socialising.
In February, I left Rio and moved back to New York, the city I grew up in but hadn’t lived in since before university. I was faced with an intriguing situation: how to meet people I didn’t know from high school?
1 - Go OUT and Stay OUT.
Get OUT of the house. The most motivation you’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people is right when you first arrive, so take advantage of this and push your boundaries. This can take the form of hobbies, like yoga, pilates, dance, surf, tennis (some of my hobbies), or book clubs, art-making of any kind, music, cooking, etc. or even regularly frequenting the same cafés, jazz bars, restaurants, bookstores, listening lounges, parks, and more!
Once you’ve gotten your ass up and out of the house, it’s time to stabilise some routine. While it may be tempting to try and do 100 new things when first arriving somewhere, or getting into the mentality of ‘trying everything once’, the reality is that making new friends requires an investment of time and effort. Outside the context of school and university, where people are forced to spend large sums of time together and you are indirectly exposed to people whom you already have, at the very least, a shared experience in common with, it is far more difficult to deepen a relationship with someone you’ve met once or twice. The difference between making friends at school/university and moving to a new city is also the fact that you will likely be trying to make friends with people who already have friends and an established life.
The easiest way to organically make friends is by being consistent. So, once you’ve had your fun exploring, embed a few activities with mandatory socialising into your routine.
2 - Hi, Neighbour!
Listen, this part’s not fun. If you’re really shy or introverted feel free to skip this section entirely, actually. But to my fellow extroverts and those who dare, my next piece of advice is… to actually talk to people. If you live in a building with lots of young people, knock on the door to introduce yourself, if you work with people your age, ask them to grab a drink after work, compliment a girl’s outfit at your local café, if you see people at the same *insert hobby* class as you every week (see Step 1), ask them to get a coffee after — crack into the community that exists around you in any way you can.
Additionally, this step is dependent on where you moved / your own network, but ask anyone you can if they know people in your city you can reach out to. A lot of my current girl group in NYC was formed by people we had in common and happened to get closer to! If you’re active on social media and see someone you vaguely know in your area, I would bite the bullet and reach out. You have no idea how you may reconnect, or who they may introduce to you.
It might sound redundant to spell it out so clearly, but you’d be surprised. Also, I think there’s no shame in letting people know you’ve just moved to the area and don’t know that many people. If anything, that would make me more inclined to spend time with someone and introduce them to my friends.
3 - Be the pioneer.
This is probably my favourite point, and the one I’d like to emphasise the most.
Okay, so you’ve met some people. Now, let’s talk about how not to get stuck in that ever-lasting back and forth of “So, does Wednesday work for you? No? Well, what about next weekend?” black hole when discussing plans. Instead, be the person who comes up with the idea, and propose it as: “On X day, I’m doing/going to ___. Wanna join?” People are attracted to initiative, plus confidence in general, and this way you avoid the “So… what do you want to do? Haha I’m fine with anything” line of discussion. Strike while the iron is hot. If you’ve just met someone, follow up relatively soon before the plans fizzle out — and follow up with a plan.
Easy, chill examples of plans you can either do solo or invite people to tag along for:
Nails
Studying/working in a café
Workout class
Tanning in the park
Local event (music, food, whatever — idk where you live)
Thrifting/shopping
The catch: being willing to do something alone if someone doesn’t follow through, which circles back to point one: being willing to try new things, especially without the safety of people you already know well.
If possible: host, host, host. It’s easier to orchestrate the tone/vibes you desire when you’re in charge of the space. This way you can also curate the mixing of different people and groups. My housewarming in NYC was the perfect setting for this: my roommate and I mixed the people we knew, told them to bring a friend/their S.O. and spent 12 hours straight baking like crazy, slapping goat’s cheese on our crostinis, and lighting a candle on every flat surface we own. No need to be this excessive (it is fun, though). Alternatively, something like a pregame for going out, both at university and post-grad life, is the easiest casual setting to group together. Suggest making cocktails together and tell everyone to bring a friend!
Other ideas I’ve done:
Formal-dress dinner party
Group cocktail making
Easter Brunch (recently)
Holiday party/Secret Santa
Potluck dinner & movie night
Valentine’s Day baking session
4 - Safety in numbers.
Next: Everything should involve a +1. Say you make plans with someone to grab a drink, invite a third (as demonstrated above) and tell them to bring a friend/their roommate. Even for doing a group activity like yoga or pilates, the more the merrier and everyone can go out for a smoothie after.
For me, the more casually/organically this is done, the better. Propose the plan with one person, and when they confirm, text someone you don’t know as well and ask if they want to tag along! This is a low-stakes way of spending time with someone new, as it can be awkward going from not being friends to just spending time one-on-one. Pro-tip: create a group chat before around the plans, that way you can text in it for future reference: “Hi guys, I’m thinking of hitting pilates tmw, is anyone down to join?”
Don’t spend time evaluating if every single person you meet will be a friend, lots of people in this life will be stepping stones to meeting people you click with more.
5 - Acceptance.
Listen. Not everyone will want to be your friend, and you might not want to be their friend, either. If you had to takeaway one key element of everything i’ve tried to impress upon you, let it be this: take control of your situation. My friends over the years have consistently shared how they love the way I curate events and plans — people often want to participate and do different things but lack the motivation to put them into action.
It’s far easier than you think to slip into the comfort of solitude. While I do love and appreciate my alone time, over the longterm this can feel lonely pretty quickly, especially in a new environment. Don’t wait for the plans or friends you want to fall into your lap, get up and go make them.
This is easier said than done, I know — I’m in the process of doing the same! I’m always here to talk, you can reach me here on CC for follow-ups & specific advice. Love you all!
XO Lu.